I'm sitting here at Starbucks, on a cloudy Thursday morning, sipping a chai. I'm supposed to be working, but can't make my mind concentrate. It is just a week before Logan's third birthday and the events of his short life keep whirring through my mind. I wish I could just shut my brain off.
The head banging, the lining up cars, the delayed play skills, the inability to self-soothe, the never-ending tantrums, the difficulty with transitions, the visual schedules, the rigidity, the low frustration to tolerance, the need for constant attention, the still on-going sleep disturbances, the feeding challenges, the difficulties knowing how to play appropriately with other kids, the sensory issues...
Daycare told me this morning that they are pretty convinced that Logan is on the autism spectrum. I've slowly been coming to this realization on my own over the past few weeks, so it comes as no surprise. I feel like it fits.
But I need to back up here a bit to fill you in a little more on our journey.
Various therapists have expressed concerns that my niece may be on the autism spectrum for awhile now. Both my sister and I have flipped back and forth since this time, some days convinced that Maddy is absolutely on the spectrum and other times, convinced that there is no way she could be.
She and Logan are quite similar. One significant difference between the two of them is that Logan has always searched for interaction with other kids, whereas Maddy tends to avoid this. As a Speech-Language Pathologist, I have always thought that this interest in interacting with others is a key part of the autism diagnosis. So because of this, I had never had concerns that Logan was autistic. Though I had said before that he seemed to fit all of the other diagnostic criteria.
Concerns about possible autism were first brought to our attention by Logan's OT about 6 weeks ago, after a neuropsychologist had probed about this possibility. However, at that same point in time, many other professionals told me that they did not at all have any concerns that he could be on the spectrum. In fact, two different professionals both stated "if he is diagnosed on the spectrum, then take my degree away from me". These people, a neuropsychologist and another Speech-Language Pathologist, are both wonderfully competent and have loads of experience with these kids. In all, a total of 5 professionals reassured me that they did not think I needed to be concerned about autism. In fact, although we were already on a waiting list for an evaluation at the hospital, the neuropsychologist recommended we not even bother going.
However, opinions have been changing over the past few weeks. Logan has been experiencing very significant challenges integrating into his new daycare. After a wonderful first two weeks, I started getting notes every second or third day about his aggressiveness, inability to concentrate, follow directions, be quiet, etc. Then I started getting notes every day. And six weeks in, I was asked to have a meeting with the Director.
It turns out that he is not functioning well in this setting at all. He is constantly hitting, kicking, poking, pushing, [fill in the blank here] the other kids. During free play, he runs around the room without interacting with the other kids, plays almost always only on his own and runs around destroying what all of the other kids are playing with. Daycare reports that he functions very well in a one-on-one setting, but not well at all without this attention. And clearly, they cannot be giving all of their attention to my son, every moment of every day. I have come to the realization over the past couple of weeks that we may end up needing to pay for a shadow to help integrate him. I am very grateful that we are working with people who are interested in integrating him and who have picked their field because they want to help. And I am confident that we will find a solution that will enable him to one day flourish in this environment.
I think the fact that Logan's old daycare immensely downplayed his difficulties until the day they kicked him out certainly didn't help things in terms of us understanding his difficulties. Nothing that his new daycare told me was a shock, as it is exactly what we live with him at home. However, it had always completely stumped me how he could be functioning so much better at daycare than he was at home. As it turns out, he wasn't.
I feel silly for not having seen all of this sooner. After all, I'm a Speech-Language Pathologist. I've worked with autistic kids since the first day of my career. In fact, I had a contract to only work with autistic kids in between my two maternity leaves. You'd think with that kind of first hand experience I'd have been able to see it sooner...
I think back to conversations that my sister and I had when our kids were first diagnosed with SPD. How we lamented that no one "gets" that SPD can be independent of any other diagnosis. We "knew" that this was clearly the case for our children. If only we could eat our words... we are both now convinced that all 3 of our combined SPD kiddos will receive some sort of a diagnosis down the line, be it autism or something else.
I think back to the number of times I have exclaimed "he has sensory difficulties, but I have absolutely no concerns that he is on the spectrum because his social interactions are just too good". And I feel like a bit of a fool. These people were probably thinking "wow... that mom is clearly still in denial".
But the truth of the matter is that I don't think that the extent of his difficulties were apparent until more recently. The social interaction challenges we are observing with other kids are considered somewhat age-appropriate when you are two. And the significant social interaction challenges at daycare, that were hidden from us until recently, were a very big piece of the puzzle. Several of the professionals who initially stated there was no way Logan could be on the spectrum are now also reconsidering their position.
Logan has been on a waiting list for an autism assessment since early March. But he won't be seen until he is almost 4. Although we could pay for a private assessment to get answers more quickly, we have decided to wait. Getting a diagnosis now will not get us services any faster than if we find out in a year. So we have decided to use our money to invest in therapy instead of to appease our need to know.
As I already said, my gut is now telling me that my beautiful little guy is autistic. Only time will tell... but either way, I know that, one way or another, it will change absolutely nothing in terms of who he is, or what our daily life is like. Getting a diagnosis will not help him to suddenly be able to regulate his emotions better, deal with transitions better or stop waking up tantruming for an hour in the middle of the night. But it might give us answers. And it might help others better understand that the struggles we have been talking about since he was barely walking are, in fact, very real.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
Monday, April 22, 2013
Brazilian Chicken Stroganoff
Oh my, blogging has taken a back seat in my oh-so crazy life... I have so much to share about life, but no time to sit here and do it. Instead, a quick recipe...
Had I ever come across this recipe on my own I would never have made it. Ever. The idea of mixing chicken in ketchup and mustard and then throwing in some mushrooms...??? Well, it sounds just plain disgusting to me.
Don't stop reading this post just yet. I swear this recipe is actually kind of tasty. And pretty effortless to prepare. Perfect for my crazy life.
Jerome's cousin had been here staying with us for a couple of weeks in March. She made this recipe for us the last time she came to visit, just before Chloé was born. I ate it before I knew what was in it. I probably would not have been eager to taste it, had I know how it is made. But it's actually surprisingly tasty. As an added bonus, both Logan and Chloé have taken to occasionally eating it. At first, we had to wash the sauce off, but now they'll even sometimes eat it with the sauce. As long as we pick out all of the mushrooms beforehand. Wouldn't want to accidentally eat a vegetable... ;)
The recipe below is for a relatively big batch because I wanted to be able to put some into the freezer. But you can easily half the recipe, if you just want to make enough for a couple of meals.
Now, I don't actually like mustard. So don't let the inclusion of mustard on the ingredients list turn you away if you're not a fan of mustard. This doesn't actually taste like either mustard or ketchup. Just a little tangy.
2 onions, chopped
2 kg. chicken, cubed
just less than 1 1/2 C ketchup
2/3 C mustard (we used Dijon, but you can use anything)
1 1/2 tsp. salt
2 packages of fresh mushrooms or 4 cans of mushrooms
cream (optional)
1. Cook the onions in a pot in a little bit of olive oil for a few minutes, until translucent.
2. Add the chicken to the pot and cook until the chicken is cooked and the juice that the chicken has rendered has reduced completely.
3. Add the ketchup, mustard, salt and mushrooms. Continue to cook for 20-30 minutes, long enough for the chicken to become tender.
4. Optionally, you can add some cream at the end of cooking.
In Brazil, they serve this with something equivalent to hickory sticks and rice. Even if I could eat gluten, serving this with hickory sticks just sounds too weird for me. I served it with quinoa and veggies ;)
Makes 8-10 servings.
Had I ever come across this recipe on my own I would never have made it. Ever. The idea of mixing chicken in ketchup and mustard and then throwing in some mushrooms...??? Well, it sounds just plain disgusting to me.
Don't stop reading this post just yet. I swear this recipe is actually kind of tasty. And pretty effortless to prepare. Perfect for my crazy life.
Jerome's cousin had been here staying with us for a couple of weeks in March. She made this recipe for us the last time she came to visit, just before Chloé was born. I ate it before I knew what was in it. I probably would not have been eager to taste it, had I know how it is made. But it's actually surprisingly tasty. As an added bonus, both Logan and Chloé have taken to occasionally eating it. At first, we had to wash the sauce off, but now they'll even sometimes eat it with the sauce. As long as we pick out all of the mushrooms beforehand. Wouldn't want to accidentally eat a vegetable... ;)
The recipe below is for a relatively big batch because I wanted to be able to put some into the freezer. But you can easily half the recipe, if you just want to make enough for a couple of meals.
Now, I don't actually like mustard. So don't let the inclusion of mustard on the ingredients list turn you away if you're not a fan of mustard. This doesn't actually taste like either mustard or ketchup. Just a little tangy.
2 onions, chopped
2 kg. chicken, cubed
just less than 1 1/2 C ketchup
2/3 C mustard (we used Dijon, but you can use anything)
1 1/2 tsp. salt
2 packages of fresh mushrooms or 4 cans of mushrooms
cream (optional)
1. Cook the onions in a pot in a little bit of olive oil for a few minutes, until translucent.
2. Add the chicken to the pot and cook until the chicken is cooked and the juice that the chicken has rendered has reduced completely.
3. Add the ketchup, mustard, salt and mushrooms. Continue to cook for 20-30 minutes, long enough for the chicken to become tender.
4. Optionally, you can add some cream at the end of cooking.
In Brazil, they serve this with something equivalent to hickory sticks and rice. Even if I could eat gluten, serving this with hickory sticks just sounds too weird for me. I served it with quinoa and veggies ;)
Makes 8-10 servings.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Sensory Obstacle Course
I wanted to quickly share our sensory obstacle course from this morning. One thing that I have learned from our OT is that structured activities help to organize Logan and Chloé's behaviour, whereas unstructured, wild, free play, is very disorganizing to their behaviour.
To give you an example of the distinction: letting Logan run and jump around the room like mad is very disorganizing to him. Although you might think that this is helping him get his wiggles and jiggles out, it actually gets his engine running so fast that he is then unable to calm himself down. In contrast, providing the same type of activity with some structure turns it into an organizing activity, which then helps to calm him. So instead of letting him run and jump wild, we'll tell him to run, then run backwards, then jump three times and then start it all over again.
This is much of why he functions so much better in daycare than at home, on average. The inherent structure to a daycare routine, where they follow pretty much the exact same schedule day in and day out, makes it a calming environment for my kids. And as much as we try to provide that kind of structure at home, it just isn't the same. Some days we have friends over and some days we don't. We try to keep things pretty routine over here to help the kids, but life just doesn't always work out that way.
This morning, as soon as we were done breakfast, we built a little obstacle course, complete with a tunnel, slide into a beanbag, a second tunnel, made from two chairs with a sheet draped over top and the trampoline. Yes, only in a sensory house do you have so many huge park-like toys. We can barely walk over here. But it helps my kids keep quiet.
Check out this video here of the kids loving their obstacle course this morning:
A little bit later, Jérôme and I headed out for a few wonderful hours of respite, complete with a meal that I was actually able to eat while it was hot. I had almost forgotten how much better food tastes when it is hot!
Then a journey to the park upon our return home from respite. Funny how some respite gives me the energy to do these kinds of things with my kids. We're usually so worn out by them by the time the afternoon rolls around that the idea of fighting them into their outdoor clothes is more than we can handle. Being all rested made us not even think twice.
The kids had a ball in the empty, rainy park.
They weren't even bothered by the gritty sand on their hands, other than to show it to me and then quickly wipe it off on their rainsuits.
I couldn't believe how much progress Logan has made in his vestibular processing (tolerating movement) since last year. Last summer, he would pretty much freak out if I even tried to get him to look at a swing. I could occasionally convince him to get in, but the second I would push it oh so slightly, he would become overwhelmed with fear and beg to get down. Check him out here:
I guess all that OT is paying off :)
Then back home to play in the backyard before a bit of movie and dinner.
It's great to have a chance to have some fun with the kids. This respite couldn't have come at a better time.
To give you an example of the distinction: letting Logan run and jump around the room like mad is very disorganizing to him. Although you might think that this is helping him get his wiggles and jiggles out, it actually gets his engine running so fast that he is then unable to calm himself down. In contrast, providing the same type of activity with some structure turns it into an organizing activity, which then helps to calm him. So instead of letting him run and jump wild, we'll tell him to run, then run backwards, then jump three times and then start it all over again.
This is much of why he functions so much better in daycare than at home, on average. The inherent structure to a daycare routine, where they follow pretty much the exact same schedule day in and day out, makes it a calming environment for my kids. And as much as we try to provide that kind of structure at home, it just isn't the same. Some days we have friends over and some days we don't. We try to keep things pretty routine over here to help the kids, but life just doesn't always work out that way.
This morning, as soon as we were done breakfast, we built a little obstacle course, complete with a tunnel, slide into a beanbag, a second tunnel, made from two chairs with a sheet draped over top and the trampoline. Yes, only in a sensory house do you have so many huge park-like toys. We can barely walk over here. But it helps my kids keep quiet.
Check out this video here of the kids loving their obstacle course this morning:
A little bit later, Jérôme and I headed out for a few wonderful hours of respite, complete with a meal that I was actually able to eat while it was hot. I had almost forgotten how much better food tastes when it is hot!
Then a journey to the park upon our return home from respite. Funny how some respite gives me the energy to do these kinds of things with my kids. We're usually so worn out by them by the time the afternoon rolls around that the idea of fighting them into their outdoor clothes is more than we can handle. Being all rested made us not even think twice.
The kids had a ball in the empty, rainy park.
They weren't even bothered by the gritty sand on their hands, other than to show it to me and then quickly wipe it off on their rainsuits.
I couldn't believe how much progress Logan has made in his vestibular processing (tolerating movement) since last year. Last summer, he would pretty much freak out if I even tried to get him to look at a swing. I could occasionally convince him to get in, but the second I would push it oh so slightly, he would become overwhelmed with fear and beg to get down. Check him out here:
I guess all that OT is paying off :)
Then back home to play in the backyard before a bit of movie and dinner.
It's great to have a chance to have some fun with the kids. This respite couldn't have come at a better time.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Cider and Calvados Roasted Duck with Roasted Cider Apples
I posted awhile back on my facebook that I was looking for suggestions on what to do with a duck. And although somebody suggested putting it in my bathtub to swim, it was way too late for this little guy.
I'm quite in love with confit de canard and we always bring some back with us from France. But I've never cooked duck at all myself. In fact, although I love confit de canard, I was pretty convinced that I wouldn't even like duck any other way. Can't even tell you why.
The suggestions I got off of facebook sounded great, and I have them on a mental "to cook" list. But my husband found this recipe here on the Papilles and Pupilles blog and he wanted me to try it. And it was absolutely delicious. Better than I could have imagined. I don't know how much of it was the recipe and how much of it was the quality of the duck (we got a Brome Lake duck from the grocery store - click here to see if they sell one in your area). The taste and texture of the meat was beyond fantastic. It reminded me of confit de canard, in fact. We were all super surprised at how well this turned out.
For the Calvados (apple brandy), we used Michel Jeaudoin's apple brandy. My husband just happens to really like this, so we had some on hand.
I didn't bother making the stuffing, so the whole recipe didn't take very long to make, cooking time aside. The best part of this recipe is that, when we served leftovers on the second night, the kids couldn't stop eating it, even though they wouldn't even look at it the first night. Neither of them eat very many meats, but they gobbled up the portion we had set aside for Jérôme's lunch the next day between the two of them. So I will definitely be making this again.
We enjoyed this as our last dinner with Isabelle, Jérôme's cousin, who stayed with us, in a whirlwind of mad chaos, for two weeks. It was more than wonderful to have an extra set of hands and a fresh batch of patience around. Tatsabelle (as Logan so fondly called his Tata (Auntie) Isabelle), we already miss you dearly. Every time Logan wakes up, he asks me "where's my Tata?". And every time a plane flies overhead, he gets all excited and tells me "Tata's coming back in the plane". Thanks so much for all of your help and support over the past two weeks :) You are welcome to move in, any time.
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For the stuffing:
2 apples
1 tbsp. Calvados
duck gizzard and liver (or two slices of prosciutto)
4 walnuts
1 small onion
1. Peel two apples. Cut the duck gizzard and liver into pieces. Peel and dice the onion. Cook the onion in 15 g of butter until they become translucent. Add the apples and cook for approximately 10 minutes. Add 1 tbsp. of Calvados and cook for another 5 minutes. Transfer into a bowl and add the gizzard and liver, along with the coarsely chopped walnuts.
For the duck:
1 duck
2 tbsp. Calvados (apple brandy)
50g of butter
1. Spread 50g of butter over the duck (I didn't bother doing this). Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Farenheit and cook the duck one hour per kilogram. Cover the duck with aluminum foil during the last hour of cooking. Regularly baste with juices as the duck cooks.
2. Once cooked, pour 2 tbsp of Calvados over the duck. Cover with aluminum foil and put back into the oven at 300 degrees Farenheit for 10 minutes.
For the roasted apples:
25g of butter (I just put in a spoonful)
1 kg. of apples
1 C cider
1. While the duck is cooking, peel and core the apples and cut into quarters. Place into a pan and brown them in 25g of butter. Pour 1/2 C of cider over the apples. Cook for approximately 10 minutes. If there is not enough liquid, add another 1/2 C of cider.
2. Carve the duck and place on a serving platter along with the apples.
Serves 6.
Difficulty level: easy
I'm quite in love with confit de canard and we always bring some back with us from France. But I've never cooked duck at all myself. In fact, although I love confit de canard, I was pretty convinced that I wouldn't even like duck any other way. Can't even tell you why.
The suggestions I got off of facebook sounded great, and I have them on a mental "to cook" list. But my husband found this recipe here on the Papilles and Pupilles blog and he wanted me to try it. And it was absolutely delicious. Better than I could have imagined. I don't know how much of it was the recipe and how much of it was the quality of the duck (we got a Brome Lake duck from the grocery store - click here to see if they sell one in your area). The taste and texture of the meat was beyond fantastic. It reminded me of confit de canard, in fact. We were all super surprised at how well this turned out.
For the Calvados (apple brandy), we used Michel Jeaudoin's apple brandy. My husband just happens to really like this, so we had some on hand.
I didn't bother making the stuffing, so the whole recipe didn't take very long to make, cooking time aside. The best part of this recipe is that, when we served leftovers on the second night, the kids couldn't stop eating it, even though they wouldn't even look at it the first night. Neither of them eat very many meats, but they gobbled up the portion we had set aside for Jérôme's lunch the next day between the two of them. So I will definitely be making this again.
We enjoyed this as our last dinner with Isabelle, Jérôme's cousin, who stayed with us, in a whirlwind of mad chaos, for two weeks. It was more than wonderful to have an extra set of hands and a fresh batch of patience around. Tatsabelle (as Logan so fondly called his Tata (Auntie) Isabelle), we already miss you dearly. Every time Logan wakes up, he asks me "where's my Tata?". And every time a plane flies overhead, he gets all excited and tells me "Tata's coming back in the plane". Thanks so much for all of your help and support over the past two weeks :) You are welcome to move in, any time.
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For the stuffing:
2 apples
1 tbsp. Calvados
duck gizzard and liver (or two slices of prosciutto)
4 walnuts
1 small onion
1. Peel two apples. Cut the duck gizzard and liver into pieces. Peel and dice the onion. Cook the onion in 15 g of butter until they become translucent. Add the apples and cook for approximately 10 minutes. Add 1 tbsp. of Calvados and cook for another 5 minutes. Transfer into a bowl and add the gizzard and liver, along with the coarsely chopped walnuts.
For the duck:
1 duck
2 tbsp. Calvados (apple brandy)
50g of butter
1. Spread 50g of butter over the duck (I didn't bother doing this). Preheat the oven to 350 degrees Farenheit and cook the duck one hour per kilogram. Cover the duck with aluminum foil during the last hour of cooking. Regularly baste with juices as the duck cooks.
2. Once cooked, pour 2 tbsp of Calvados over the duck. Cover with aluminum foil and put back into the oven at 300 degrees Farenheit for 10 minutes.
For the roasted apples:
25g of butter (I just put in a spoonful)
1 kg. of apples
1 C cider
1. While the duck is cooking, peel and core the apples and cut into quarters. Place into a pan and brown them in 25g of butter. Pour 1/2 C of cider over the apples. Cook for approximately 10 minutes. If there is not enough liquid, add another 1/2 C of cider.
2. Carve the duck and place on a serving platter along with the apples.
Serves 6.
Difficulty level: easy
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Easter Egg Nest Cupcakes
I wanted to quickly share some Easter cupcakes that we had a chance to make during our crazy stay at Tremblant. Logan picked this recipe out of the Bulk Barn flyer a few weeks ago. Like mother, like son, I guess ;)
Before I get to the recipe though, I just wanted to thank everyone for the outpouring of love I have received since my last post. I have received many supportive phone calls and e-mails. None of which I believe I have returned yet (though I will!). I also wanted to give special thanks to Antonia, who was sweet enough to surprise me with a beautiful arrangement of flowers delivered to my door this afternoon:
Nothing better to brighten my day :) Your kindness is more touching than I can put into words.
Also, I wanted to give a shout out to Anonymous, whose encouraging comment, "Sometimes, the achievement is not that you got anything done, but that you simply keep going" has been graved into my mind forever. This is going to be my mantra when the going gets tough, as it has been this past little while.
I just wanted to touch base and say that, despite the desperation in my last post, we are managing. I am intensely frustrated with our system that provides no help to families until things are so crucial that they are almost unsalvageable. I do not at all feel that we are at that point. But I also don't want to get there. And as time goes on, I can see that our ability to cope with the everyday stressors of raising our little monkeys is diminishing. I want help before I get to the place of being a mom who screams at her kids all day long, no matter what they do. That is not who I am as a person and it is not the relationship I want to have with my little guys. And I just want help to manage everything so that I do not turn into that type of a mom for them.
We are surviving and we do what we need to do to get by. As my close friend, who dropped by unannounced the other day, saw, our house is often a complete disaster. We eat hot dogs or plain pasta when we need to. I barely post any recipes anymore (mostly because I don't even have time to cook) and I blog more to deal with the stress of what we are living these days. So things are still somewhat manageable, even if they are intensely stressful. I felt I needed to comment on this because I was surprised at how many people contacted me after my last post - I don't think anyone needs to be particularly worried about us. Though thank you for your love, concern and support.
Now let's get on to some delicious Easter cupcakes. Made from a box, of course, because my life these days leaves no time to make homemade gf cupcakes. If you have a bit more time than I do, and aren't gf, I highly recommend my chocolate sour cream bundt cake instead. Or for those who are gf and want a healthy option, my chocolate black bean cupcakes.
3/4 C unsalted butter (Earth balance for a dairy-free alternative)
4-6 C icing sugar, sifted
6 tbsp. milk (almond milk for a dairy-free alternative)
1 /2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 /2 C sweetened coconut flakes
Easter coloured jelly beans or Mini-Eggs
food colouring
cupcakes
1. Using a mixer, beat the butter until creamy. Add 2 C of icing sugar and beat at low speed until mixed. Gradually increase the speed of the mixer until the mixture reaches a creamy consistency.
2. Add the milk and the vanilla and beat. Add the remaining icing sugar and beat until the icing is creamy and has a thick enough consistency to pipe, adding more icing sugar or milk, if necessary. Add food colouring to the icing, if desired.
3. Pipe the icing onto the cupcakes using a star shaped decorating tip.
4. In a separate bowl, mix together the coconut flakes and food colouring (separate into several batches if you want to do different colours).
5. Sprinkle the coconut on top of the icing on the cupcakes.
6. Place jelly beans or Mini eggs on the coconut flakes and enjoy.
Someone was more than dying to get into these as soon as they were ready.
After a first bite, he wasn't all too sure about the texture of the coconut.
But I guess the sweetness of the icing was enough to convince him to take a tentative second bite.
And from that point on, he was sold :)
Difficulty level: easy
Happy Easter everyone!
Before I get to the recipe though, I just wanted to thank everyone for the outpouring of love I have received since my last post. I have received many supportive phone calls and e-mails. None of which I believe I have returned yet (though I will!). I also wanted to give special thanks to Antonia, who was sweet enough to surprise me with a beautiful arrangement of flowers delivered to my door this afternoon:
Nothing better to brighten my day :) Your kindness is more touching than I can put into words.
Also, I wanted to give a shout out to Anonymous, whose encouraging comment, "Sometimes, the achievement is not that you got anything done, but that you simply keep going" has been graved into my mind forever. This is going to be my mantra when the going gets tough, as it has been this past little while.
I just wanted to touch base and say that, despite the desperation in my last post, we are managing. I am intensely frustrated with our system that provides no help to families until things are so crucial that they are almost unsalvageable. I do not at all feel that we are at that point. But I also don't want to get there. And as time goes on, I can see that our ability to cope with the everyday stressors of raising our little monkeys is diminishing. I want help before I get to the place of being a mom who screams at her kids all day long, no matter what they do. That is not who I am as a person and it is not the relationship I want to have with my little guys. And I just want help to manage everything so that I do not turn into that type of a mom for them.
We are surviving and we do what we need to do to get by. As my close friend, who dropped by unannounced the other day, saw, our house is often a complete disaster. We eat hot dogs or plain pasta when we need to. I barely post any recipes anymore (mostly because I don't even have time to cook) and I blog more to deal with the stress of what we are living these days. So things are still somewhat manageable, even if they are intensely stressful. I felt I needed to comment on this because I was surprised at how many people contacted me after my last post - I don't think anyone needs to be particularly worried about us. Though thank you for your love, concern and support.
Now let's get on to some delicious Easter cupcakes. Made from a box, of course, because my life these days leaves no time to make homemade gf cupcakes. If you have a bit more time than I do, and aren't gf, I highly recommend my chocolate sour cream bundt cake instead. Or for those who are gf and want a healthy option, my chocolate black bean cupcakes.
3/4 C unsalted butter (Earth balance for a dairy-free alternative)
4-6 C icing sugar, sifted
6 tbsp. milk (almond milk for a dairy-free alternative)
1 /2 tsp. vanilla extract
1 /2 C sweetened coconut flakes
Easter coloured jelly beans or Mini-Eggs
food colouring
cupcakes
1. Using a mixer, beat the butter until creamy. Add 2 C of icing sugar and beat at low speed until mixed. Gradually increase the speed of the mixer until the mixture reaches a creamy consistency.
2. Add the milk and the vanilla and beat. Add the remaining icing sugar and beat until the icing is creamy and has a thick enough consistency to pipe, adding more icing sugar or milk, if necessary. Add food colouring to the icing, if desired.
3. Pipe the icing onto the cupcakes using a star shaped decorating tip.
 |
| Mine totally flattened... I'm having such a hard time figuring out the right icing consistency with this dairy-free butter!! Good thing the coconut hid the icing ;) |
4. In a separate bowl, mix together the coconut flakes and food colouring (separate into several batches if you want to do different colours).
5. Sprinkle the coconut on top of the icing on the cupcakes.
Someone was more than dying to get into these as soon as they were ready.
After a first bite, he wasn't all too sure about the texture of the coconut.
But I guess the sweetness of the icing was enough to convince him to take a tentative second bite.
And from that point on, he was sold :)
Difficulty level: easy
Happy Easter everyone!
Monday, March 25, 2013
Helpless
My heart is heavy as I write this post tonight. Writing this blog has always helped me to process our struggles with our little guys. But it also makes things real. Hitting that publish button makes things more real than you want to admit to yourself. Once you've hit publish, there's no taking it back. It's out there for the whole world to see. And though I've never hesitated to write any of my previous posts, writing this particular post is hard. Making it real is hard.
I don't even know exactly what I want to write. I know that it feels like things just keep getting worse and worse with Logan. Our initial hope that his diagnosis of SPD explained all of our challenges with him has evaporated. Despite 10 months of intensive weekly therapies, it seems that our challenges with him continue to multiply. The homeopathic remedy that initially appeared miraculous now seems to be having no effect at all.
As I mentioned in a previous post, my husband and I have both become convinced that Logan will receive another diagnosis at some point in the future. As he gets older, it becomes increasingly apparent that the types of struggles we are having with him are not just typical toddler issues.
We just spent a weekend at Tremblant, hoping to get a break for our everyday stressors. But it felt like Logan tantrumed non-stop the entire time we were there. Now, this is a bit of an exaggeration, since we did have some good moments together. But the good moments were heavily outweighed by the difficult ones, making the latter stand out more in our minds when we reflect on our weekend away. By the end of the weekend, my patience had been worn paper thin.
It seemed that every little thing set him off this weekend. Fits because we ran out of the Mater diapers that we usually have at home for him to wear to bed. Fits because I forgot to bring his vitamins, which I usually give to him before bed. And when I say fits, I mean massive, uncontrollable meltdowns. Logan was such a mess from the change in his routine that he just couldn't seem to calm himself down. He begged several times to go back home. Probably searching for that familiarity that makes him feel comfortable and secure. In fact, within minutes of us arriving back home, we could all sense a significant positive change in his mood.
Overall, things here are bad. Just plain bad. I wish I could sugar coat it, but bad is really the only word that describes it. Unless I maybe say awful. Logan spent much of the weekend throwing things in anger, kicking the walls, hitting all of us, etc. It got to a point that I was concerned he might push the tv off of the tv stand if I left him in one of the bedrooms alone long enough. Things are bad enough that Logan's pretend play once we returned back home revolved around him putting all of his toys into time out. Again, and again, and again.
Way to make you feel like super mom.
We have a family member from France staying with us for a couple of weeks. When she arrived, she offered to watch the kids as often as we wanted so that we could get out for a few evenings for a break. She spent two days with us, watching our struggles to get the kids fed and down to sleep, each taking their turn screaming non-stop - that is, when both weren't screaming at the same time. She then told us that, although she would still be happy to watch the kids for us, she wasn't comfortable getting them down to sleep. And this is someone who has lots of experience with kids and is fabulous with both of ours. Honestly, I completely understand her. I wouldn't want to put them to bed either, if I didn't have to. But the hard part is that I have to. Each and every single day. Even if it means trying to stay patient despite the incessant tantrums until 10 pm when I can finally scurry off to do the dishes, or whatever other mountains of life lay piled up around us, begging for our attention.
As my sister once quoted from another blog, I feel like I am surviving my child. I wake up on empty every day, hoping that today will be an easier day. And yet, my hope that that day is one day in our future seems only to be getting dimmer.
I have searched high and low for help. And nothing exists. Everywhere I call, they keep telling us that we are doing well. That we should be proud of the way we are handling things. And that our children are lucky to have us. And I just want to punch them in the face.
What I need is help. Not a pat on the back to tell me that I'm doing a good job.
And yet nothing exists. If you're not on the verge of harming your child or yourself, you have to wait. And by wait, I mean 18 months, on average.
This morning, after a phone consultation with our wonderful pediatrician, he decided to refer Logan to a child psychiatrist at the hospital. And though there is a piece of me that doesn't want to face the reality that my child might have a mental health disorder, there's another part of me that needs answers. A part of me that knows that we will one day be staring at a diagnosis, be it mental health or other. I know in my gut that we will once again be grieving all that a new diagnosis entails.
Although we're struggling, we're somehow surviving. Barely, but we are. It makes me wonder about how other families do it. If I have 10+ years of experience working with kids with various challenges, I wonder how the parents of kids who have zero experience with children manage these kinds of struggles. So for that, I know we are blessed. Because I can only imagine how bad things could be.
The good news is that last week we found a respite program that we qualify for. Finally. After months of searching. They told us that we should be able to use it 2 out of 3 weeks a month, for a 4 hour period. We intend to use it to get out of having to do the horrific nighttime routine as often as we can. To catch up on all of the things that having such demanding kids has made us fall so far behind on. And to have some time as a couple to decompress. And though it makes me intensely sad that I feel such a strong need to get away from my children, who are already in daycare all day long, I know that this is necessary. For both our well being and theirs. The fact that we will soon be getting regular respite makes me feel that there is actually a tiny glimmer of hope out there, however small it might be.
I don't even know exactly what I want to write. I know that it feels like things just keep getting worse and worse with Logan. Our initial hope that his diagnosis of SPD explained all of our challenges with him has evaporated. Despite 10 months of intensive weekly therapies, it seems that our challenges with him continue to multiply. The homeopathic remedy that initially appeared miraculous now seems to be having no effect at all.
As I mentioned in a previous post, my husband and I have both become convinced that Logan will receive another diagnosis at some point in the future. As he gets older, it becomes increasingly apparent that the types of struggles we are having with him are not just typical toddler issues.
We just spent a weekend at Tremblant, hoping to get a break for our everyday stressors. But it felt like Logan tantrumed non-stop the entire time we were there. Now, this is a bit of an exaggeration, since we did have some good moments together. But the good moments were heavily outweighed by the difficult ones, making the latter stand out more in our minds when we reflect on our weekend away. By the end of the weekend, my patience had been worn paper thin.
It seemed that every little thing set him off this weekend. Fits because we ran out of the Mater diapers that we usually have at home for him to wear to bed. Fits because I forgot to bring his vitamins, which I usually give to him before bed. And when I say fits, I mean massive, uncontrollable meltdowns. Logan was such a mess from the change in his routine that he just couldn't seem to calm himself down. He begged several times to go back home. Probably searching for that familiarity that makes him feel comfortable and secure. In fact, within minutes of us arriving back home, we could all sense a significant positive change in his mood.
Overall, things here are bad. Just plain bad. I wish I could sugar coat it, but bad is really the only word that describes it. Unless I maybe say awful. Logan spent much of the weekend throwing things in anger, kicking the walls, hitting all of us, etc. It got to a point that I was concerned he might push the tv off of the tv stand if I left him in one of the bedrooms alone long enough. Things are bad enough that Logan's pretend play once we returned back home revolved around him putting all of his toys into time out. Again, and again, and again.
Way to make you feel like super mom.
We have a family member from France staying with us for a couple of weeks. When she arrived, she offered to watch the kids as often as we wanted so that we could get out for a few evenings for a break. She spent two days with us, watching our struggles to get the kids fed and down to sleep, each taking their turn screaming non-stop - that is, when both weren't screaming at the same time. She then told us that, although she would still be happy to watch the kids for us, she wasn't comfortable getting them down to sleep. And this is someone who has lots of experience with kids and is fabulous with both of ours. Honestly, I completely understand her. I wouldn't want to put them to bed either, if I didn't have to. But the hard part is that I have to. Each and every single day. Even if it means trying to stay patient despite the incessant tantrums until 10 pm when I can finally scurry off to do the dishes, or whatever other mountains of life lay piled up around us, begging for our attention.
As my sister once quoted from another blog, I feel like I am surviving my child. I wake up on empty every day, hoping that today will be an easier day. And yet, my hope that that day is one day in our future seems only to be getting dimmer.
I have searched high and low for help. And nothing exists. Everywhere I call, they keep telling us that we are doing well. That we should be proud of the way we are handling things. And that our children are lucky to have us. And I just want to punch them in the face.
What I need is help. Not a pat on the back to tell me that I'm doing a good job.
And yet nothing exists. If you're not on the verge of harming your child or yourself, you have to wait. And by wait, I mean 18 months, on average.
This morning, after a phone consultation with our wonderful pediatrician, he decided to refer Logan to a child psychiatrist at the hospital. And though there is a piece of me that doesn't want to face the reality that my child might have a mental health disorder, there's another part of me that needs answers. A part of me that knows that we will one day be staring at a diagnosis, be it mental health or other. I know in my gut that we will once again be grieving all that a new diagnosis entails.
Although we're struggling, we're somehow surviving. Barely, but we are. It makes me wonder about how other families do it. If I have 10+ years of experience working with kids with various challenges, I wonder how the parents of kids who have zero experience with children manage these kinds of struggles. So for that, I know we are blessed. Because I can only imagine how bad things could be.
The good news is that last week we found a respite program that we qualify for. Finally. After months of searching. They told us that we should be able to use it 2 out of 3 weeks a month, for a 4 hour period. We intend to use it to get out of having to do the horrific nighttime routine as often as we can. To catch up on all of the things that having such demanding kids has made us fall so far behind on. And to have some time as a couple to decompress. And though it makes me intensely sad that I feel such a strong need to get away from my children, who are already in daycare all day long, I know that this is necessary. For both our well being and theirs. The fact that we will soon be getting regular respite makes me feel that there is actually a tiny glimmer of hope out there, however small it might be.
Saturday, March 16, 2013
Daycare Update
I wanted to share a quick update on the kids and the transition to their new daycare while I had a few minutes.
Overall, things have been going really, really well. You can check out some photos of their first two weeks at daycare here.
I have to admit that I was nervous about this transition. My kids just don't do well with transitions. Period. I mean, even transitions from the park to home. So this big of a transition left me a little bit anxious.
The kids went from a small family daycare to a large, bright, noisy daycare centre with 2-3 times more kids per class than where they were previously. Not terribly SPD friendly. I feared that Logan would become super aggressive and that Chloé would want to be held all day long.
But my little guys showed me that I should have given them a bit more credit.
Overall, the feedback from daycare so far has been that they can't even tell they are not just "normal" kids. Chloé is apparently the first one asleep a room full of crying babies and is typically the last to wake up (who is this kid???). Logan joined into the daily routines seamlessly. Every time I go to pick him up, he's somehow quietly sitting at a table, doing whatever activity they are in the midst of. Though he didn't nap his first day, he laid on his mattress for 2 hours WITHOUT MOVING!! (and who is this kid???).
I had spoken to the kids' OTs prior to us choosing the larger centre. They acknowledged that there would be more sensory stimuli to deal with in a centre. But they said that the extremely consistent routines and constant structured activities of a centre would help the kids manage better. They also added that, regardless, they will need to learn to function in this type of an environment for when they start school. That was all that it took to convince me that this was the right setting for them.
We couldn't have lucked out more. All of the educators are absolutely fantastic. One of Logan's educators used to be a resource teacher and was the person who was called to pull kids out of the regular classroom and into the sensory room, to calm them down when things were getting challenging. She can read the signs that Logan's engine is starting to get a bit fast better than anyone other than his own parents. She uses his weighted vest, his earphones, gives him squishes on his body and his feet and encourages him to take a break alone as needed.
His other educator doesn't have any particular knowledge about SPD, but is super interested in learning. She also feels very comfortable approaching me with any concerns they have about him. I feel confident that issues will be addressed as they come up, rather than ignored until they are too big to manage.
Chloé's educators are also all very willing to learn and do whatever they can to help. I met with all three of them on Friday and not a single one of them made me feel that the discrepancy in her behaviour at daycare versus at home was because we weren't handling things properly (sadly, this is often the reaction we get). One of them even asked if she could come to our house after daycare one evening to see how difficult it is for her to manage by the end of the day, saying she wanted to understand the impact of the sensory input on Chloé.
I feel that we couldn't be in better hands. Logan talks about his "new friends" all of the time. And although I know that he liked his old daycare, he has only once brought up the names of anyone from there since he left. He seems fully adjusted.
Although the kids have been great during the day, our evenings have been very challenging over the past two weeks. Though the kid are managing wonderfully at daycare, the transition to a new setting and the accumulation of the stimulation in the centre are too much for them to manage. By the end of the day, they are a screaming, tantruming mess.
Chloé has been waking 3-4 times a night and is then usually up for the day by 4:30 am, screaming for an hour or more. She basically wants to be held non-stop both morning and night. She screams at us for simply looking at her, pushing our face away from her. She tears to get her clothes and her diaper off the second we're home. She throws her plate of food off of the table before I've even had a chance to fully set it down. She points to food, begging for us to give it to her. But then the second she puts it to her lips, she screams "no" and throws it away - only to beg for it all over again. She's hungry and knows she used to eat and like these foods. But her sensory system is so overwhelmed that she can no longer tolerate them in her mouth.
Logan has been giving us huge and super long tantrums the instant that he gets frustrated about anything at all. It has been taking him several hours to fall asleep most nights and he is waking for the day the second Chloé makes a noise (which he had stopped doing). He has also started waking here and there in the middle of the night on his own. His eating has also gone back to being considerably more picky than before.
I'm super happy that the transition has gone so well for the kids at daycare, but we're also both completely exhausted from managing them at home the pasttwo weeks almost three years. I am confident (and hopeful!) that as they become more accustomed to this new environment, the intensity of their behaviours at home shall also subside somewhat.
We're also lucky to have Jérôme's cousin here visiting with us for the next two weeks. She got here this afternoon and we already feel like we've had an extended vacation. No one screamed this afternoon. At all. The extra set of hands and non-stop attention means that the kids don't get super frustrated the way they do when we're here alone with them. Someone is always free to pick them up when they need help calming, so their frustration levels just don't peak the same way. So we're going to do our best to use this time to recharge our batteries for the months to come. Thanks Isabelle :)
Overall, things have been going really, really well. You can check out some photos of their first two weeks at daycare here.
I have to admit that I was nervous about this transition. My kids just don't do well with transitions. Period. I mean, even transitions from the park to home. So this big of a transition left me a little bit anxious.
The kids went from a small family daycare to a large, bright, noisy daycare centre with 2-3 times more kids per class than where they were previously. Not terribly SPD friendly. I feared that Logan would become super aggressive and that Chloé would want to be held all day long.
But my little guys showed me that I should have given them a bit more credit.
Overall, the feedback from daycare so far has been that they can't even tell they are not just "normal" kids. Chloé is apparently the first one asleep a room full of crying babies and is typically the last to wake up (who is this kid???). Logan joined into the daily routines seamlessly. Every time I go to pick him up, he's somehow quietly sitting at a table, doing whatever activity they are in the midst of. Though he didn't nap his first day, he laid on his mattress for 2 hours WITHOUT MOVING!! (and who is this kid???).
I had spoken to the kids' OTs prior to us choosing the larger centre. They acknowledged that there would be more sensory stimuli to deal with in a centre. But they said that the extremely consistent routines and constant structured activities of a centre would help the kids manage better. They also added that, regardless, they will need to learn to function in this type of an environment for when they start school. That was all that it took to convince me that this was the right setting for them.
We couldn't have lucked out more. All of the educators are absolutely fantastic. One of Logan's educators used to be a resource teacher and was the person who was called to pull kids out of the regular classroom and into the sensory room, to calm them down when things were getting challenging. She can read the signs that Logan's engine is starting to get a bit fast better than anyone other than his own parents. She uses his weighted vest, his earphones, gives him squishes on his body and his feet and encourages him to take a break alone as needed.
His other educator doesn't have any particular knowledge about SPD, but is super interested in learning. She also feels very comfortable approaching me with any concerns they have about him. I feel confident that issues will be addressed as they come up, rather than ignored until they are too big to manage.
Chloé's educators are also all very willing to learn and do whatever they can to help. I met with all three of them on Friday and not a single one of them made me feel that the discrepancy in her behaviour at daycare versus at home was because we weren't handling things properly (sadly, this is often the reaction we get). One of them even asked if she could come to our house after daycare one evening to see how difficult it is for her to manage by the end of the day, saying she wanted to understand the impact of the sensory input on Chloé.
I feel that we couldn't be in better hands. Logan talks about his "new friends" all of the time. And although I know that he liked his old daycare, he has only once brought up the names of anyone from there since he left. He seems fully adjusted.
Although the kids have been great during the day, our evenings have been very challenging over the past two weeks. Though the kid are managing wonderfully at daycare, the transition to a new setting and the accumulation of the stimulation in the centre are too much for them to manage. By the end of the day, they are a screaming, tantruming mess.
Chloé has been waking 3-4 times a night and is then usually up for the day by 4:30 am, screaming for an hour or more. She basically wants to be held non-stop both morning and night. She screams at us for simply looking at her, pushing our face away from her. She tears to get her clothes and her diaper off the second we're home. She throws her plate of food off of the table before I've even had a chance to fully set it down. She points to food, begging for us to give it to her. But then the second she puts it to her lips, she screams "no" and throws it away - only to beg for it all over again. She's hungry and knows she used to eat and like these foods. But her sensory system is so overwhelmed that she can no longer tolerate them in her mouth.
Logan has been giving us huge and super long tantrums the instant that he gets frustrated about anything at all. It has been taking him several hours to fall asleep most nights and he is waking for the day the second Chloé makes a noise (which he had stopped doing). He has also started waking here and there in the middle of the night on his own. His eating has also gone back to being considerably more picky than before.
I'm super happy that the transition has gone so well for the kids at daycare, but we're also both completely exhausted from managing them at home the past
We're also lucky to have Jérôme's cousin here visiting with us for the next two weeks. She got here this afternoon and we already feel like we've had an extended vacation. No one screamed this afternoon. At all. The extra set of hands and non-stop attention means that the kids don't get super frustrated the way they do when we're here alone with them. Someone is always free to pick them up when they need help calming, so their frustration levels just don't peak the same way. So we're going to do our best to use this time to recharge our batteries for the months to come. Thanks Isabelle :)
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