Shattered Into Pieces

Tonight, my heart feels shattered into pieces for a multitude of reasons.  Some of which I can't get into right now. But let's just say that this week has not been without stress.  And it's only Monday.

The past few weeks have been extremely challenging.  Having missed OT for 3 out of 4 weeks, my kids are having a much harder time functioning in our world, as I mentioned here.  For a few weeks now, it has taken us until 9 or 10pm to finally get Logan down to bed.  He has been waking up in the morning in a massive tantrum, like he used to months ago.  And it can take me up to two hours to be able to get anywhere near him to calm him down, as he is wildly screaming, kicking and throwing things everywhere.  Never mind that both kids are back to waking up multiple times each night.  Last night I slept 3 hours, as if I had a newborn.  I am physically and emotionally exhausted.

As I put Logan to bed tonight, he once again melted down in front f my eyes into the temper tantrum to end all temper tantrums.  I left him in his room on his own for awhile to calm down, telling him to come get mommy when he was ready.  And when I went back in to see him and picked him up in my arms, his big brown eyes looked up at me, tears streaming down his face.  And sobbing, he said to me "Need some medicine, mommy.  Need some medicine".  And when I questioned him, he then added "Need some medicine to stop me crying".

We've recently been using another homeopathic remedy with Logan for when he has these tantrums.  I've never said much to him about it, other than to ask him to crunch his medicine in between sobs.  Yet, apparently, Logan has somehow made the link between this remedy and it making it feel better.

And as I left his room to get his homeopathic remedy, tears streamed down my own face.  Tears of sadness that my 2 1/2 year old already knows that he has something inside of him that is bigger than him.  Something that he has to fight every day to keep down.  And that he was begging me for a way to help him not feel like this.

Baby... if only I could take away whatever it is that makes you feel this way, I would in an instant. It breaks my heart to see you struggle so much.  And to see how you can switch within minutes from an almost animal-like beast, who I cannot help to calm no matter what I try, to my sweet, loving little Logan who gives me tender kisses as I put you to bed.  I hope that as we progress together on this journey, I'll be able to help you unveil more of this side of you.  And in the meantime, please know that I love you with all of my heart.